Eternal Love - A Mom's Gift

Thanks for the Yes!

2011-06-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

This week I have pondered many things. I understand the scripture more clearly about Mary, a mother who pondered many things in her heart. As the girls get ready to graduate this weekend, I am excited and full of joy but also carry a burden with Christ that at times has left me numb and speechless. As an adoptive Mom, watching big milestones in your kid's lives brings another level of emotion, joy, and even sadness. I represent more than me as a Mom.

I can't help but think about Lauren's birthmom Carol who is so very proud of Lauren and all she has accomplished. She is going to college and that is a big deal for Lauren! I carry Carol in my heart as I watch my daughter take this big step of graduating and heading out into the world. She is 18 now and my hands-on parenting is done. I wonder what Carol thinks and feels. I wonder if she is happy or sad. Maybe she is like me, a combination of emotions created by love. Love for Lauren, love for each other, eternal love that lifts each other up in joy and sorrow. This special moment in Lauren's life and my life as a mother would not have been possible without a "yes". It reminds me of Mary's yes to the angel trusting that God will carry us even though the path we travel is not of this world. We walk the way of eternal love that has no boundaries. Adoption love is wide and big.

I think of Kelly's birthmom whom I never met and wonder if Kelly looks like her. We did not receive any pictures because it was a closed adoption. I wonder if she knows that Kelly is graduating from 8th grade and how very proud we are of her determination and perseverance. Kelly was so very scared and shy that first day of kindergarten and was glued to my hip for months with tears as I dropped her off. Now she is a beautiful young lady with an infectious smile and big eyes of love and a heart of gold. She is heading off to high-school! Sweet is the word that comes to mind when I look at Kelly. She has come out of her shell and made special friends and memories at St. Theresa. I wish I could tell her birthmom that Kelly is amazing and thank her for changing my life. I will continue to offer her my prayers and gratitude in my heart.

My excitement and joy as a Mom are connected to their birthmoms - heart to heart. The Lord has given me empathy to feel their joy and pain. At times the pain is heavy yet beautiful and real and the result of the cross we all carry is amazing LIFE! Lauren and Kelly are going to do great things in the world. They are a beacon of goodness and love in so many ways. I will carry and share in my heart the love of two other proud moms as I watch my daughters graduate! In heaven we will all understand fully each others joy and pain and it will all turn into eternal, pure love. Thank you birthmoms for choosing life. Thank you for your Yes!

Pray a Latte!

2011-05-28T04:53:00.001-07:00

I received a very special gift this week. My bible study team gave me a really cool coffee mug. It is big and colorful and fun to hold. It says Pray a Latte - 1 Thessalonians 5:17. Quickly the words of the scripture came to me. Pray without ceasing. Pray always.

My mom loved coffee and she loved praying. When I have my morning coffee and enter into prayer with the Lord, I always think of Mom. I meet her many times in my prayer and in my heart. The veil between heaven and earth is very thin and Mom is there when I need her. 3 years have passed this week since her death. It has gone by quickly and I can say that time has healed the pain some but it also has made it more real. She is finished here and is not coming back. I know I should not want her to come back but humanly speaking I can't help but wonder what she would think this week as I get ready to celebrate Lauren's high school graduation and Kelly's 8th grade graduation. She would have been there with a smile, encouragement, love and tears. She would have talked me through what it feels like as your kids grow up and you start to send them off in the world. She would have prayed for them. My faith tells me that even though I cannot see her or touch her, she still will do all those things...just behind the veil. I believe and I feel peace. Her lessons of love live on in me as a mother. I ask for her patience and calm as I enter this special week for my family. I am blessed to have her intercede for me before the Lord.

She is my Mom and her prayers are even more powerful now for they are perfect and she does truly pray without ceasing!

I miss you today Mom

2010-11-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

What is it about today. I really miss you today, Thursday, November 18, 2010. Why? Maybe it was the woman I saw at Mass this morning that looked just like you from behind. The same grey hair and the same way you stood - at Church where I saw you often. It took my breath away. Amazing how physical traits can bring back memories, joy, pain, love. Maybe it is because Thanksgiving week is coming up and all the memories are flooding back. I love Thanksgiving and Fall. The trees, leaves, smells, and nip in the air all draw my senses. Thanksgiving was always spent with Mom's side of the family for years. Tons of family, laughter and fun. You and Uncle Mike, Grandma and Grandpa are remembering in heaven! It was just family and love. I feel like that is slipping away some now that you are gone.

This afternoon as I was quiet and pondering life, I got a voicemail on my cell phone from a salon and the receptionist left me a message. She said "Jeanette, this is Sarah from the Salon and your mom is ready to be picked up." I stopped in my tracks and again lost my breath. I called back to let them know they must have had the wrong number but than I sat and wondered. Maybe these are Mom's little ways of letting me know she is here with me, watching, loving, holding me in my sadness as she did so many times. She does not want me to despair, but rejoice as I do so many times that she has fought the good fight and finished the race and is enjoying her crown of heaven. Some of her last words to me when I told her I was sad the day before she died (not knowing we were that close!) were - "Honey, do not be discouraged, everything will be OK." But - today, I just miss her.

I know she does not "miss" us because she is in the fullness of love and truth, but I wonder if she will not be totally complete until we all join her. She was Mom and that was her calling. She spent her life praying and showing us the way to heaven. She was a symbol of peace, love, joy and a message of eternity. It made sense she was the first to go. She had to show us the Way. She had to be a teacher and mentor of true trust in Christ in the face of death. She made it seem doable, bearable and even joyful and she blazed the path. I know she will not rest until we are with her. St. Therese said she will spend her heaven doing good upon earth. I somehow think that Mom will spend part of her heaven interceding for us, her family. It is a big job. There are alot of us and we have had a rough year getting along. Heaven has to pull for us here in the Church Militant. It is a struggle, it is a journey. Our earthly journey has joy and gifts from the Lord but also pain and suffering which almost become the rope to heaven. On days like today - I long for my mom. I long for peace on earth, for love, for forgiveness, for family unity like we had when Mom was dying. I long, Oh Lord. I was amazed how well we all loved in the middle of the suffering. It was a grace and we need that grace and healing now.

Tomorrow will be another day. I will carry on and the sparkle will again be in my eyes and the joy in my step. I will not despair and will never forget the everlasting gift of love Mom gave. It carries me constantly. But, today - I am sad and need a hug and Mom will meet me in my heart.

Birthday Miracle!

2010-03-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

I was number six of nine kids. Mom said she always wanted at least ten kids but the Lord allowed her to get to nine by 43 years old. I am forever stunned by the mere fact that each of the children were born in a different month...from August through April! I am not sure another family of nine could repeat that. My mom of course did not plan it that way, it was God's plan.

On each of our birthdays, she would always call in the morning and sing "Happy Birthday" on the phone. We just expected it and always treasured it although as an adult, you felt a little wierd listening to your mom singing to you on the phone. She did not feel uncomfortable at all and you could feel the love and how very proud she was of you in her voice. I can hear her sing "Happy Birthday" in my heart always.

When Mom turned 60 years old, we gave her a very special gift - a Mother's ring. It had 9 different birthstones for the 9 different months that each of us were born. My sister Susan wanted her April stone (the diamond) to go in the middle but in our family - not one child was more special than another. We were all loved completely and fully. The ring ended up having the nine stones in two rows which were placed in numerical order from the oldest to the youngest. It was beautiful and Mom was so overwhelmed when she received it. She wrote us a thank you note and below are some of her eternal words of wisdom:

"First of all I want to thank each of you for my beautiful Mother's Ring. It is the most treasured gift I have ever received. Everytime I look at it I think of each of you and the gift from God all of you truly are.....I have such peace in knowing that I was open to the life of each of you....I encourage you to stay close and love each other. Someday, Dad and I will be gone and we won't be around to pull you all together. Each one of you have positive as well as negative sides. But you must always see the good in one another....Most of all you have been baptized in Christ Jesus when you were babies. The Catholic Church with all its flaws is our heritage. Draw closer to God and His Church. Remember when your twilight years come, it's not so much how much money you have or leave behind, but how very much you have loved others. Leave a legacy of love for your children."

God gave us all a Birthday Miracle when mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. We first heard the word cancer in August of 2007, the month of my brother Chris' birthday. One by one we each celebrated our last birthday with Mom as she battled her disease that we all knew would take her life: Chris - August, Debbie - September, Billy - October, Mary Beth - November, Jeanette - December, Peter - January, Anna - February, Patrick - March, Susan - April. Most pancreatic cancer patients go very quickly and sometimes within a few months. Mom's cancer had spread greatly by the time it was diagnosed. The Lord allowed her to have one more birthday, one more song for each of her 9 kids. She made it through Susan's Birthday in April of 2008 which left one more special day to celebrate in May - Mother's Day. What a day I will forever remember! Mom looked beautiful that day, almost like she was healed and glowing with love. She was laughing and talking and full of energy. At the end of the day, we all waited in a long line to kneel at her feet and say good-bye to our precious Mother. I felt like we were in a grace bubble at her house that day and did not want it to end. The memories carry me.

The day after Mother's Day, everything changed. Mom looked different...more sick, more distant, not herself. It was almost as if she worked out a deal with God to live through one more Birthday for each child and one last Mother's Day and than she would surrender to the disease that was raging through her body. Mom died two weeks after Mother's Day on May 26,2008 with all of us gathered around her bed.

She had completed her earthly journey and mission to point us all toward heaven. She taught us how to live and now taught us how to die. The word's of her thank you letter for her ring were read at her funeral. They are etched in my heart and I thank the Lord for allowing my Mom to live for one more Birthday for me and my brothers and sisters.

Mom was buried with the Mother's Ring that she so cherished. It did not make sense to keep it for us but to forever let it be a part of her heart and soul and a symbol of her love.

It's A Wonderful Life!

2010-02-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Every Christmas Eve, my husband and I re-watch the classic movie "It's a Wonderful Life". It seems to never get old as we relive the story of the difference our lives can make in this world even when things are not going our way. The gift of waking up every day and having the love of family and friends should not be taken for granted.

My Mom understood that well, but the love intensified when she got her terminal cancer diagnosis. The Christmas after her diagnosis, she was on a high. She invited us all to her log cabin again and was determined to host Christmas. We helped out a little more than we normally do since mom was tired with the chemo treatments but she had a mission and a plan that day. She was going to make it extra special. All 47 of the family showed and we knew to capture the moment and remember the love. Part of the day was so very normal like the old Christmas days we had at mom's house and another part seemed almost surreal. Deep down we all knew it would be our last Christmas with our Mom. She knew it too.

She gave us a few special gifts that day. Mom was an amazing pianist, singer and musician. She gave her gift to the Church for over 30 years and led music at Mass, funerals, weddings and wherever she was asked. I have great memories of playing the guitar with her as a middle schooler at St. James grade school (Thanks be to God I was not embarassed playing next to my Mom as a teen and actually treasured that time!) On Christmas day, Mom sat at her grand piano with her first grandchild - Rachel - by her side. She played and played and Rachel sang. She played all the Christmas carols that we love and some of the classics like Clare de Lune. I wanted to bottle the moment and I actually think I did. Mom played with such love and conviction in her heart...she was giving the gift of a memory! My sister Debbie and I sat up in her loft listening to the sound we knew so well and just wept. We wept in pain and sorrow for the loss of Mom's presence that we knew was slipping away and we wept in thanksgiving for having such an amazing Mom.

The second gift she gave that day was a message. Mom did not grow up with much money at all and neither did our big family of 9 kids. The Lord always provided what we needed but there usually was not extra. On Christmas day 2007, Mom passed out $45,000 to her kids ($5,000 each) from an inheritance she had received from her aunt. The check came with a note I will forever treasure in my heart and soul. Mom told us that 2007 was a year that was very revealing. She said that she especially learned the lesson of her own mortality and she told us not to worry about her. She said God was taking care of her. She said that with her cancer the Lord showed her even more that all of us (her kids) were pure gift and that she was so grateful to God for one more day to get up and to love us. It was so powerful to read and experience - there was no greater love!

She ended the note with the following: "It's a Wonderful Life, as the movie goes, enjoy yours!" I have pondered on those words many times and they have carried me in times of despair. She knew her life was wonderful and was so grateful. She was giving us permission to be happy even after she was gone. I needed to hear that because deep down I wanted the world to stop the day I heard my mom had cancer. It was just too painful.

Time does heal as God promises and those words ring in my heart constantly as a message for me that all is a gift and it is meant to be enjoyed. I praise God that I can be happy and feel such love even after my Mom has died. It is all a gift!

I spent my $5,000 on a grotto and waterfall to the Blessed Mother which I dedicated in honor and thanksgiving of my Mom's life and my mother-in-law Charelene Engel who died of cancer at 56 years old. It is my place of healing and love. I talk to Mom and encounter my Lord in a special way at my grotto.

It truly is a wonderful life!!

Lord I Give You My Life

2009-10-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

I had a little breast cancer scare a few weeks ago. The doctor found a small lump and I had to go get my annual mammogram which led to the need for additional testing. It was an interesting week. I entered a tiny bit into my mom's world. How did she deal so amazingly with a cancer diagnosis? Faith - it is everything. I always knew that it would get us through the hardest times but it is different talking about it and than living it. Mom talked it and lived it especially in the hardest time in her life. Right after her diagnosis she told me for months before she had really felt focused on one part of her morning prayers. There was a line in the prayers we both prayed that said each day "Lord I give you my life today to do with it what you will". Wow! I think I just said the words most days without really meaning it. I also think that I was too scared to really mean it. Mom said she felt drawn to those words the months before her diagnosis. I told her to quit praying it! Like somehow if she stopped she could control the plan God had for her. She would have a twinkle in her eye sometimes when she thought about really giving her life to God to do with it what He willed. She had peace in the face of death.

I realized last week that God is always in charge. He can give us a peace no matter what the circumstance. I actually felt that peace as I awaited the next steps of my tests. I did not panic and stress like I usually do. I realized that the doctor could have told me good news or bad and I just gave it all to God and surrendered to His plan knowing that He was in control. It was freeing, scary and beautiful all at the same time. It was a gift and a grace that only He can give. It was nothing I did on my own. I just remembered my mom and it gave me strength.

I ended up with a fibroid cyst and no problems. It was a blessing, a relief and a reminder that life is short. So many others have laid on that table and heard the C word. God is in charge of it all and we each walk our special journey that only He knows. His only goal is for us to get to heaven and He will use whatever it takes...even a little cancer scare as a reminder that He is my strength. I praise Him for life, for each day and for the gift and memory of my mom who showed me that a cancer diagnosis is not the end of the world. Lord I give you my life!

Offer It Up

2009-07-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

How many times did mom tell her 9 kids to "offer it up" when life seemed hard growing up. When we were hungry, tired, impatient, having a bad day, got hurt.....Mom would always tell us to "offer it up". I can hear her voice ringing in my ears from childhood. Of course as a kid I never really fully got the concept. I just figured it meant to just bear with the pain and quit complaining. I did not fully understand the beautiful Catholic theology of those words. I did not realize that I could truly unite my sufferings to those on the cross with Christ and God could provide me graces in my suffering. I am not sure I truly understood what those words meant until Mom got cancer. There was a will and determination that I saw in her that was stronger and more directed. It was obvious she had a mission and a purpose especially in her sickness. She accepted this cross with a strength that blew my mind and as she suffered the nausea and sickness especially from the chemo - she did it with a grace and a dignity and an "aloneness". She did not want to burden any of us.

At one point in her chemo treatment she was so sick and nauseated from the chemo and spent so many days and weeks nauseated in bed. We kept trying to help her and we all got to a point where we could not stand to see her suffering in bed. She would ask us to leave her door open because I think the sound of our voices and the "normal" life happenings outside her door brought her joy. Her kids were her strength and when we came it lifted her to deal with her cross. When I looked in her room and watched her lying in bed there was a peace and a purpose. I realized she was "offering it up". There were days I would look in her room and could almost feel the graces knowing in her heart that she was offering all her suffering for her husband and kids. She knew all too well the power of God's grace and would not lose any of it. She knew that maybe this suffering was the most important gift of herself that she could give to God and for her family. I felt strength just to be near her. I was excited what God would do with such willingness to offer her pain for us. I was humbled to be her child.

Mom's pain level for the most part was very well controlled with the awesome help of Hospice. It was amazing how sharp she was and for the most part how comfortable she was. Her last night on earth was her huge cross and she had extreme pain starting at 3AM May 26th. Three of the kids were there to help along with Dad. We had to wait 1 1/2 hours for Hospice to come and the medicine was not working. We got to a point where there was nothing else we could do for her but pray, love, talk her thru the pain. It felt like we were helping someone give birth and she was reaching for the heavens in the process. At one point when I was totally helpless and could do no more for her I said "Mom - this suffering has to be worth alot - just know that you are offering this up right now for Dad, Chris, Peter, Susan, Billy, Patrick, Jeanette, Debbie, Mary Beth, Anna and all our families and it is valuable." Just speaking those words made it somewhat bearable at least for me...there had to be a purpose. I look at that night as such a gift to share in my mom's cross.

When suffering comes my way, I try harder now to "offer it up" like Mom did. I try harder to give it purpose and meaning. Her mission is complete and she did it well. I pray that all those graces she sent our way are put to good use and our family joins her one day in heaven after we have each spent our time on earth "offering it up."

Mom's Gift to Dad

2009-06-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

Mom said that she felt an overwhelming sense of love for her children when she looked at her large tumor in her ovaries. She said it with excitement in her voice, the kind of excitement like something really amazing is going to happen. I will never forget the conversation. It followed by another sharing of the words she read every morning in her prayer book...."Lord Jesus once more I offer you my life so you can teach me to do your will." She told me she felt so drawn to those words the months before her diagnosis. Again I heard the thrill in her voice. I wanted to tell her to stop, to run away from this, to avoid it all with the hope that it would all go away. She was Mom - she could stop this couldn't she? But deep down I understood what she sensed. God was calling her to the most important journey of her life - her final walk and final life lesson. She was going to teach us all how to die.

God inspired a love of her cancerous tumor as a sign that He was greater than cancer and greater than death. He would be by her side and not leave her. He was the friend that she walked with her whole life and He would not abandon her now. She lived a life of faith and trust and it would carry her through the dark valley of death.

Mom always talked about wanting at least 10 kids. She got to 9 in her early 40s. We were her joy and we all knew it. I sometimes wonder if that big tumor represented the 10th child of her birthing to heaven. Her womb that carried so many children, so much sacrifice, 81 months of pregnancy and 9 births now became the home of cancer and the source of it was her pancreas. It was a terrible diagnosis but you would have never known it if you saw mom. She lived for 9 months sharing one more birthday with each of her 9 children who were born in 9 consecutive months starting with August thru April. The Lord brought her home two weeks after Mother's Day on May 26th. It was all gift.

Today we celebrate Father's Day with Dad and will go back to their house. Mom will be present in spirit and will smile down upon us as we share special time with Dad. She will be so proud of her children and her husband who has carried on her legacy of love. Her everlasting love never dies. We will celebrate Father's Day with joy and cling to dad in a way that we never could when mom was here. He is now leading the way. Mom's presence will be felt today thru her children as a special gift to Dad. It is beautiful and good and part of our journey. Mom was first - it all makes sense.....and I pray that we all follow her lead to our heavenly home. That is all she ever wanted.

Mom's One Year Anniversary

2009-05-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, May 26, 2009 is the one year anniversary of my mom's new life with Christ. It went by so fast and we all made it. It feels like an accomplishment - one that I thought I could never face when I heard her cancer diagnosis. Amazing how we face our biggest fears on this earth and that is when you grow the most.

I have often thought about time since mom passed and what it means. How God is above it and beyond it yet we live it as each second ticks by. It is all gift. Mom's love is as real today as it was before she died and I think is even stronger. Time did not stop but enveloped the love of another soul who gave her life to Christ and for her family and left her presence. Below I share my thoughts of her love a year out:

Love's Forever Presence

I see your love still
I feel it all around
It is not lost or dead
It is strong, big, wide and full
It is brighter.

The limits are gone, the boundaries cut
It reaches beyond space and time
and is there for each one of us to touch - always.
It is the phone call from Dad, the laugh of a brother or sister,
the birth of twin grandchildren that you adore from heaven,
and the conviction in our hearts to follow your lead.

The warmth of the sun speaks of your presence
the noise of the water sends your soothing calm.
The words of a song tell me to rejoice you are Home with God
and the yellow finch bird is a gift
and constant reminder of your love.

Your love did not die Mom.
It is forever, eternal and complete.
I see it in each person you touched on this earth.
You left your mark
and death did not conquer.

You are Love's Forever Presence.

Adoption Love - Thanks Birthmothers!

2009-01-18T12:59:00.001-08:00

I am a mom of three beautiful girls...my children through adoption. My womb did not carry these souls but my heart surrounded them with love the minute I heard I would be their mom. God chose me for them and them for me. It is all quite amazing. I never thought I could love with this love. It is bigger and has no bounds. It is beyond the physical confines of a womb and the control of giving birth to your own biological child. To be a mom I had to trust that God had a plan for me and surrender my control. That was the hardest - no control - especially for someone filled with pride and known for her stubbornness. In that surrender - I was gifted freely with no greater love. Holding babies in my arms that were given to me by a stranger that now will forever be linked to my soul is such a blessing. So many others choose abortion and take the selfish road. It is easy and solves "the problem" or as Obama calls it the "punishment" quickly...but it stays as a thorn in your life forever. As the March for Life draws near on January 22, 2009 - I will remember the eternal love that touched my family with each birth and adoption. I will remember especially remember the courage of the birthparents to give life in a world that provides the"easy way out". My children can make a difference in the world and get a chance to live because another soul was not selfish. We are intertwined forever in eternal love. God is pleased....this is His plan - life for all that are conceived. We will march on Thursday to celebrate life and adoption and pray that more souls will be open to experience eternal love through the sacrifice and gift of adoption.

My Mom's Mission

2009-01-17T15:03:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem a few months after Mom's diagnosis with pancreatic cancer which really is a death sentence. There is joy and sorrow in that diagnosis. Of all the cancers - this one is pretty definite about what it will do and it will do it quickly. Each day and each month of this cancer is truly a gift and we did not take anything for granted. We were shocked how much time we got with mom - 9 months after diagnosis. It was all gift and Mom completed her mission.

My Mom's Mission
by Jeanette B. Engel
November 18, 2007

Mom you are so sick yet courageous and strong.
What is it that keeps you faith filled for so long?
What is that sparkle I see in your eyes?
How can you smile when our hearts just cry?

You taught us of Jesus of His love so true.
You taught us our prayers and modeled it too.
You taught us to live with forgiveness and love.
And now you teach us to die, and to live for above.

Maybe we all now see Jesus in you.
He was there all along but there's something so new.
In your acceptance of suffering you have an audience now.
We all hang on your words and your actions show how.

How do you do it with death at your door?
You're convinced you will live with Christ forevermore.
He is the joy that lightens your heart.
He is the reason we will never be apart.

For if you are taken from this world fairly soon.
We will go on because we know you'll make room.
You will intercede for us at the heavenly throne.
And one day the Bergmann family will all have a new home.

Toronto Street will just be a memory so sweet.
Of a Mom who gave all with love so complete.
We will all be united with Jesus one day.
Because that was your mission to show us the Way.

So as you get weaker, just know we are here.
To take care of you, our Mother so dear.
Let us be the 9 children you taught us to be,
Oh Mom, go to Jesus and you will be free!