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Mom was diagnosed with cancer on August 15, 2007 - the Feast of the Assumption of Mary our Heavenly Mother. I cried out to Mary that night and begged her to watch over me. I knew I had lost a human piece of my mom that day. I had to let go of my need for her to lift me up from my sufferings as she had done my whole life and I had to help lift her.

Where would my strength come from? It came in a simple "thank you". In my anxiety and fear, God asked me to thank him for this "gift" to our family. The words fumbled out of my mouth early that morning of her big test at UVA - "thank you Lord for the gift of my Mom's cancer". I was following Mom's lead the day she was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer as she said - "Lord I thank you for this cross and know you will bring good out of it".

In the thanksgiving, God gave me the strength to endure my hardest suffering - the loss of my best friend, my mom, my strength, my soul mate, my spiritual guide, my wisdom, my mentor, my coach and my forever inspiration.

The only thing that matters in the end is love - eternal love - the love that lasts forever and the love that will reunite all of us in heaven one day. This blog is my story of eternal love. My Mom is my inspiration as I write my thoughts, joys and sorrows and share with others the only thing that matters.



Sunday, June 21, 2009

Mom's Gift to Dad

Mom said that she felt an overwhelming sense of love for her children when she looked at her large tumor in her ovaries. She said it with excitement in her voice, the kind of excitement like something really amazing is going to happen. I will never forget the conversation. It followed by another sharing of the words she read every morning in her prayer book...."Lord Jesus once more I offer you my life so you can teach me to do your will." She told me she felt so drawn to those words the months before her diagnosis. Again I heard the thrill in her voice. I wanted to tell her to stop, to run away from this, to avoid it all with the hope that it would all go away. She was Mom - she could stop this couldn't she? But deep down I understood what she sensed. God was calling her to the most important journey of her life - her final walk and final life lesson. She was going to teach us all how to die.

God inspired a love of her cancerous tumor as a sign that He was greater than cancer and greater than death. He would be by her side and not leave her. He was the friend that she walked with her whole life and He would not abandon her now. She lived a life of faith and trust and it would carry her through the dark valley of death.

Mom always talked about wanting at least 10 kids. She got to 9 in her early 40s. We were her joy and we all knew it. I sometimes wonder if that big tumor represented the 10th child of her birthing to heaven. Her womb that carried so many children, so much sacrifice, 81 months of pregnancy and 9 births now became the home of cancer and the source of it was her pancreas. It was a terrible diagnosis but you would have never known it if you saw mom. She lived for 9 months sharing one more birthday with each of her 9 children who were born in 9 consecutive months starting with August thru April. The Lord brought her home two weeks after Mother's Day on May 26th. It was all gift.

Today we celebrate Father's Day with Dad and will go back to their house. Mom will be present in spirit and will smile down upon us as we share special time with Dad. She will be so proud of her children and her husband who has carried on her legacy of love. Her everlasting love never dies. We will celebrate Father's Day with joy and cling to dad in a way that we never could when mom was here. He is now leading the way. Mom's presence will be felt today thru her children as a special gift to Dad. It is beautiful and good and part of our journey. Mom was first - it all makes sense.....and I pray that we all follow her lead to our heavenly home. That is all she ever wanted.
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