Spe Salvi

In November, 2007, Pope Benedict XVI wrote an encyclical entitled Spe Salvi – On Hope (http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20071130_spe-salvi_en.html). One line really caught my attention – “The one who has Hope lives differently.”

My mom had just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in Sept, 2007 and fear, sadness and anxiety took over my life. I fought with God for a few months after Mom’s diagnosis telling Him I did not like His plan and I was not ready to let my Mom go. I would awake early in the morning at 4 or 5AM with thoughts of fear, grief and many times my pillow was stained with tears.

My faith had been the beacon of my life, but losing my mom first was not part of my plan. I was certain my dad would go first since he was older and not as healthy. Mom was the rock of our family and would live until old age. My future plans included caring for her and reluctantly passing her around to each of the 9 kids so we could each get a turn to share in the joy of a woman of faith, gentleness and love. My mom’s faith and love were contagious and you could not get enough of it. Her presence brought an overwhelming sense of support and unconditional love.

She would always tell me – “God does not give you more than you can handle.” Of course she was always right. The Lord immediately heard my cries of pain and as I fought with Him to keep my Mom here, He clearly revealed to me that He would take much better care of her. He knew what He was doing. He had a plan and I had to trust Him. His plan was much bigger and more marvelous than I would even comprehend especially in that moment. His plan would be revealed even through the years and is continuing to unfold daily.

I learned the lesson again that I am not in control. I heard my prior Spiritual Director’s words in my ears – “Jeanette, God is God and you are not.” Letting go of control is so hard – especially when you see yourself as God’s special friend and you think you have an inside line to him. The truth is, I did have an inside line to Him, but it was not for me to tell Him what to do but for Him to provide me the tools, gifts, and signs that all was going to be OK. He asked me to tap into my years of prayer and “filling my lamp with oil” and let Him carry me through this cross. The daily scriptures at Mass suddenly jumped off the pages to me and each day I was comforted with soothing words on suffering, death, dying and eternal life. It was the liturgical season of Oct and November and we pondered life, death, souls and saints in the Church. It was as if I was studying those scriptures for the first time and they comforted me greatly. The Eucharist took on more meaning to me as I was fed and sustained on the Body and Blood of our Lord. Each day after Mass – I would head out to my Mom’s house as often as I could to spend quality time with her. I had a mission and new motivation and it was Hope – the Lord’s version of Hope.

I read and studied the Pope’s new encyclical and thought the words were written just for me. I was able to comprehend the true definition of Hope and with God’s grace was able to live it in my life. The Pope says, “Redemption is offered to us in the sense that we have been given hope, trustworthy hope, by virtue of which we can face our present: the present, even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey.”

Hope would carry me. Hope knowing that if the Lord wanted to – he could cure my mom instantly but also trustworthy hope knowing that God always keeps His promises and death will not conquer. My hope was in eternal life and if this was God’s plan for my Mom, I was going to get on the train and live it to the fullest. My heart filled with gratitude and joy despite the earthly sadness that I felt. I had a mission and a journey and I did not want to miss out on a minute of it.

I think back to those 9 months God gave with my mom. It changed me as a person and helped me to see life and death through a different lense. I realized that there truly is nothing in this life to fear and that with faith, Christ can give us the “peace that surpasses all understanding” in the hardest of circumstances. I truly learned to “live differently.”