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Spe Salvi

In November, 2007, Pope Benedict XVI wrote an encyclical entitled Spe Salvi – On Hope (http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20071130_spe-salvi_en.html). One line really caught my attention – “The one who has Hope lives differently.”

My mom had just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in Sept, 2007 and fear, sadness and anxiety took over my life. I fought with God for a few months after Mom’s diagnosis telling Him I did not like His plan and I was not ready to let my Mom go. I would awake early in the morning at 4 or 5AM with thoughts of fear, grief and many times my pillow was stained with tears.

My faith had been the beacon of my life, but losing my mom first was not part of my plan. I was certain my dad would go first since he was older and not as healthy. Mom was the rock of our family and would live until old age. My future plans included caring for her and reluctantly passing her around to each of the 9 kids so we could each get a turn to share in the joy of a woman of faith, gentleness and love. My mom’s faith and love were contagious and you could not get enough of it. Her presence brought an overwhelming sense of support and unconditional love.

She would always tell me – “God does not give you more than you can handle.” Of course she was always right. The Lord immediately heard my cries of pain and as I fought with Him to keep my Mom here, He clearly revealed to me that He would take much better care of her. He knew what He was doing. He had a plan and I had to trust Him. His plan was much bigger and more marvelous than I would even comprehend especially in that moment. His plan would be revealed even through the years and is continuing to unfold daily.

I learned the lesson again that I am not in control. I heard my prior Spiritual Director’s words in my ears – “Jeanette, God is God and you are not.” Letting go of control is so hard – especially when you see yourself as God’s special friend and you think you have an inside line to him. The truth is, I did have an inside line to Him, but it was not for me to tell Him what to do but for Him to provide me the tools, gifts, and signs that all was going to be OK. He asked me to tap into my years of prayer and “filling my lamp with oil” and let Him carry me through this cross. The daily scriptures at Mass suddenly jumped off the pages to me and each day I was comforted with soothing words on suffering, death, dying and eternal life. It was the liturgical season of Oct and November and we pondered life, death, souls and saints in the Church. It was as if I was studying those scriptures for the first time and they comforted me greatly. The Eucharist took on more meaning to me as I was fed and sustained on the Body and Blood of our Lord. Each day after Mass – I would head out to my Mom’s house as often as I could to spend quality time with her. I had a mission and new motivation and it was Hope – the Lord’s version of Hope.

I read and studied the Pope’s new encyclical and thought the words were written just for me. I was able to comprehend the true definition of Hope and with God’s grace was able to live it in my life. The Pope says, “Redemption is offered to us in the sense that we have been given hope, trustworthy hope, by virtue of which we can face our present: the present, even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey.”

Hope would carry me. Hope knowing that if the Lord wanted to – he could cure my mom instantly but also trustworthy hope knowing that God always keeps His promises and death will not conquer. My hope was in eternal life and if this was God’s plan for my Mom, I was going to get on the train and live it to the fullest. My heart filled with gratitude and joy despite the earthly sadness that I felt. I had a mission and a journey and I did not want to miss out on a minute of it.

I think back to those 9 months God gave with my mom. It changed me as a person and helped me to see life and death through a different lense. I realized that there truly is nothing in this life to fear and that with faith, Christ can give us the “peace that surpasses all understanding” in the hardest of circumstances. I truly learned to “live differently.”

Thanks for the Yes!

This week I have pondered many things. I understand the scripture more clearly about Mary, a mother who pondered many things in her heart. As the girls get ready to graduate this weekend, I am excited and full of joy but also carry a burden with Christ that at times has left me numb and speechless. As an adoptive Mom, watching big milestones in your kid's lives brings another level of emotion, joy, and even sadness. I represent more than me as a Mom.

I can't help but think about Lauren's birthmom Carol who is so very proud of Lauren and all she has accomplished. She is going to college and that is a big deal for Lauren! I carry Carol in my heart as I watch my daughter take this big step of graduating and heading out into the world. She is 18 now and my hands-on parenting is done. I wonder what Carol thinks and feels. I wonder if she is happy or sad. Maybe she is like me, a combination of emotions created by love. Love for Lauren, love for each other, eternal love that lifts each other up in joy and sorrow. This special moment in Lauren's life and my life as a mother would not have been possible without a "yes". It reminds me of Mary's yes to the angel trusting that God will carry us even though the path we travel is not of this world. We walk the way of eternal love that has no boundaries. Adoption love is wide and big.

I think of Kelly's birthmom whom I never met and wonder if Kelly looks like her. We did not receive any pictures because it was a closed adoption. I wonder if she knows that Kelly is graduating from 8th grade and how very proud we are of her determination and perseverance. Kelly was so very scared and shy that first day of kindergarten and was glued to my hip for months with tears as I dropped her off. Now she is a beautiful young lady with an infectious smile and big eyes of love and a heart of gold. She is heading off to high-school! Sweet is the word that comes to mind when I look at Kelly. She has come out of her shell and made special friends and memories at St. Theresa. I wish I could tell her birthmom that Kelly is amazing and thank her for changing my life. I will continue to offer her my prayers and gratitude in my heart.

My excitement and joy as a Mom are connected to their birthmoms - heart to heart. The Lord has given me empathy to feel their joy and pain. At times the pain is heavy yet beautiful and real and the result of the cross we all carry is amazing LIFE! Lauren and Kelly are going to do great things in the world. They are a beacon of goodness and love in so many ways. I will carry and share in my heart the love of two other proud moms as I watch my daughters graduate! In heaven we will all understand fully each others joy and pain and it will all turn into eternal, pure love. Thank you birthmoms for choosing life. Thank you for your Yes!

Pray a Latte!

I received a very special gift this week. My bible study team gave me a really cool coffee mug. It is big and colorful and fun to hold. It says Pray a Latte - 1 Thessalonians 5:17. Quickly the words of the scripture came to me. Pray without ceasing. Pray always.

My mom loved coffee and she loved praying. When I have my morning coffee and enter into prayer with the Lord, I always think of Mom. I meet her many times in my prayer and in my heart. The veil between heaven and earth is very thin and Mom is there when I need her. 3 years have passed this week since her death. It has gone by quickly and I can say that time has healed the pain some but it also has made it more real. She is finished here and is not coming back. I know I should not want her to come back but humanly speaking I can't help but wonder what she would think this week as I get ready to celebrate Lauren's high school graduation and Kelly's 8th grade graduation. She would have been there with a smile, encouragement, love and tears. She would have talked me through what it feels like as your kids grow up and you start to send them off in the world. She would have prayed for them. My faith tells me that even though I cannot see her or touch her, she still will do all those things...just behind the veil. I believe and I feel peace. Her lessons of love live on in me as a mother. I ask for her patience and calm as I enter this special week for my family. I am blessed to have her intercede for me before the Lord.

She is my Mom and her prayers are even more powerful now for they are perfect and she does truly pray without ceasing!

I miss you today Mom

What is it about today. I really miss you today, Thursday, November 18, 2010. Why? Maybe it was the woman I saw at Mass this morning that looked just like you from behind. The same grey hair and the same way you stood - at Church where I saw you often. It took my breath away. Amazing how physical traits can bring back memories, joy, pain, love. Maybe it is because Thanksgiving week is coming up and all the memories are flooding back. I love Thanksgiving and Fall. The trees, leaves, smells, and nip in the air all draw my senses. Thanksgiving was always spent with Mom's side of the family for years. Tons of family, laughter and fun. You and Uncle Mike, Grandma and Grandpa are remembering in heaven! It was just family and love. I feel like that is slipping away some now that you are gone.

This afternoon as I was quiet and pondering life, I got a voicemail on my cell phone from a salon and the receptionist left me a message. She said "Jeanette, this is Sarah from the Salon and your mom is ready to be picked up." I stopped in my tracks and again lost my breath. I called back to let them know they must have had the wrong number but than I sat and wondered. Maybe these are Mom's little ways of letting me know she is here with me, watching, loving, holding me in my sadness as she did so many times. She does not want me to despair, but rejoice as I do so many times that she has fought the good fight and finished the race and is enjoying her crown of heaven. Some of her last words to me when I told her I was sad the day before she died (not knowing we were that close!) were - "Honey, do not be discouraged, everything will be OK." But - today, I just miss her.

I know she does not "miss" us because she is in the fullness of love and truth, but I wonder if she will not be totally complete until we all join her. She was Mom and that was her calling. She spent her life praying and showing us the way to heaven. She was a symbol of peace, love, joy and a message of eternity. It made sense she was the first to go. She had to show us the Way. She had to be a teacher and mentor of true trust in Christ in the face of death. She made it seem doable, bearable and even joyful and she blazed the path. I know she will not rest until we are with her. St. Therese said she will spend her heaven doing good upon earth. I somehow think that Mom will spend part of her heaven interceding for us, her family. It is a big job. There are alot of us and we have had a rough year getting along. Heaven has to pull for us here in the Church Militant. It is a struggle, it is a journey. Our earthly journey has joy and gifts from the Lord but also pain and suffering which almost become the rope to heaven. On days like today - I long for my mom. I long for peace on earth, for love, for forgiveness, for family unity like we had when Mom was dying. I long, Oh Lord. I was amazed how well we all loved in the middle of the suffering. It was a grace and we need that grace and healing now.

Tomorrow will be another day. I will carry on and the sparkle will again be in my eyes and the joy in my step. I will not despair and will never forget the everlasting gift of love Mom gave. It carries me constantly. But, today - I am sad and need a hug and Mom will meet me in my heart.

Birthday Miracle!

I was number six of nine kids. Mom said she always wanted at least ten kids but the Lord allowed her to get to nine by 43 years old. I am forever stunned by the mere fact that each of the children were born in a different month...from August through April! I am not sure another family of nine could repeat that. My mom of course did not plan it that way, it was God's plan.

On each of our birthdays, she would always call in the morning and sing "Happy Birthday" on the phone. We just expected it and always treasured it although as an adult, you felt a little wierd listening to your mom singing to you on the phone. She did not feel uncomfortable at all and you could feel the love and how very proud she was of you in her voice. I can hear her sing "Happy Birthday" in my heart always.

When Mom turned 60 years old, we gave her a very special gift - a Mother's ring. It had 9 different birthstones for the 9 different months that each of us were born. My sister Susan wanted her April stone (the diamond) to go in the middle but in our family - not one child was more special than another. We were all loved completely and fully. The ring ended up having the nine stones in two rows which were placed in numerical order from the oldest to the youngest. It was beautiful and Mom was so overwhelmed when she received it. She wrote us a thank you note and below are some of her eternal words of wisdom:

"First of all I want to thank each of you for my beautiful Mother's Ring. It is the most treasured gift I have ever received. Everytime I look at it I think of each of you and the gift from God all of you truly are.....I have such peace in knowing that I was open to the life of each of you....I encourage you to stay close and love each other. Someday, Dad and I will be gone and we won't be around to pull you all together. Each one of you have positive as well as negative sides. But you must always see the good in one another....Most of all you have been baptized in Christ Jesus when you were babies. The Catholic Church with all its flaws is our heritage. Draw closer to God and His Church. Remember when your twilight years come, it's not so much how much money you have or leave behind, but how very much you have loved others. Leave a legacy of love for your children."

God gave us all a Birthday Miracle when mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. We first heard the word cancer in August of 2007, the month of my brother Chris' birthday. One by one we each celebrated our last birthday with Mom as she battled her disease that we all knew would take her life: Chris - August, Debbie - September, Billy - October, Mary Beth - November, Jeanette - December, Peter - January, Anna - February, Patrick - March, Susan - April. Most pancreatic cancer patients go very quickly and sometimes within a few months. Mom's cancer had spread greatly by the time it was diagnosed. The Lord allowed her to have one more birthday, one more song for each of her 9 kids. She made it through Susan's Birthday in April of 2008 which left one more special day to celebrate in May - Mother's Day. What a day I will forever remember! Mom looked beautiful that day, almost like she was healed and glowing with love. She was laughing and talking and full of energy. At the end of the day, we all waited in a long line to kneel at her feet and say good-bye to our precious Mother. I felt like we were in a grace bubble at her house that day and did not want it to end. The memories carry me.

The day after Mother's Day, everything changed. Mom looked different...more sick, more distant, not herself. It was almost as if she worked out a deal with God to live through one more Birthday for each child and one last Mother's Day and than she would surrender to the disease that was raging through her body. Mom died two weeks after Mother's Day on May 26,2008 with all of us gathered around her bed.

She had completed her earthly journey and mission to point us all toward heaven. She taught us how to live and now taught us how to die. The word's of her thank you letter for her ring were read at her funeral. They are etched in my heart and I thank the Lord for allowing my Mom to live for one more Birthday for me and my brothers and sisters.

Mom was buried with the Mother's Ring that she so cherished. It did not make sense to keep it for us but to forever let it be a part of her heart and soul and a symbol of her love.

It's A Wonderful Life!

Every Christmas Eve, my husband and I re-watch the classic movie "It's a Wonderful Life". It seems to never get old as we relive the story of the difference our lives can make in this world even when things are not going our way. The gift of waking up every day and having the love of family and friends should not be taken for granted.

My Mom understood that well, but the love intensified when she got her terminal cancer diagnosis. The Christmas after her diagnosis, she was on a high. She invited us all to her log cabin again and was determined to host Christmas. We helped out a little more than we normally do since mom was tired with the chemo treatments but she had a mission and a plan that day. She was going to make it extra special. All 47 of the family showed and we knew to capture the moment and remember the love. Part of the day was so very normal like the old Christmas days we had at mom's house and another part seemed almost surreal. Deep down we all knew it would be our last Christmas with our Mom. She knew it too.

She gave us a few special gifts that day. Mom was an amazing pianist, singer and musician. She gave her gift to the Church for over 30 years and led music at Mass, funerals, weddings and wherever she was asked. I have great memories of playing the guitar with her as a middle schooler at St. James grade school (Thanks be to God I was not embarassed playing next to my Mom as a teen and actually treasured that time!) On Christmas day, Mom sat at her grand piano with her first grandchild - Rachel - by her side. She played and played and Rachel sang. She played all the Christmas carols that we love and some of the classics like Clare de Lune. I wanted to bottle the moment and I actually think I did. Mom played with such love and conviction in her heart...she was giving the gift of a memory! My sister Debbie and I sat up in her loft listening to the sound we knew so well and just wept. We wept in pain and sorrow for the loss of Mom's presence that we knew was slipping away and we wept in thanksgiving for having such an amazing Mom.

The second gift she gave that day was a message. Mom did not grow up with much money at all and neither did our big family of 9 kids. The Lord always provided what we needed but there usually was not extra. On Christmas day 2007, Mom passed out $45,000 to her kids ($5,000 each) from an inheritance she had received from her aunt. The check came with a note I will forever treasure in my heart and soul. Mom told us that 2007 was a year that was very revealing. She said that she especially learned the lesson of her own mortality and she told us not to worry about her. She said God was taking care of her. She said that with her cancer the Lord showed her even more that all of us (her kids) were pure gift and that she was so grateful to God for one more day to get up and to love us. It was so powerful to read and experience - there was no greater love!

She ended the note with the following: "It's a Wonderful Life, as the movie goes, enjoy yours!" I have pondered on those words many times and they have carried me in times of despair. She knew her life was wonderful and was so grateful. She was giving us permission to be happy even after she was gone. I needed to hear that because deep down I wanted the world to stop the day I heard my mom had cancer. It was just too painful.

Time does heal as God promises and those words ring in my heart constantly as a message for me that all is a gift and it is meant to be enjoyed. I praise God that I can be happy and feel such love even after my Mom has died. It is all a gift!

I spent my $5,000 on a grotto and waterfall to the Blessed Mother which I dedicated in honor and thanksgiving of my Mom's life and my mother-in-law Charelene Engel who died of cancer at 56 years old. It is my place of healing and love. I talk to Mom and encounter my Lord in a special way at my grotto.

It truly is a wonderful life!!