Lord I Give You My Life

I had a little breast cancer scare a few weeks ago. The doctor found a small lump and I had to go get my annual mammogram which led to the need for additional testing. It was an interesting week. I entered a tiny bit into my mom's world. How did she deal so amazingly with a cancer diagnosis? Faith - it is everything. I always knew that it would get us through the hardest times but it is different talking about it and than living it. Mom talked it and lived it especially in the hardest time in her life. Right after her diagnosis she told me for months before she had really felt focused on one part of her morning prayers. There was a line in the prayers we both prayed that said each day "Lord I give you my life today to do with it what you will". Wow! I think I just said the words most days without really meaning it. I also think that I was too scared to really mean it. Mom said she felt drawn to those words the months before her diagnosis. I told her to quit praying it! Like somehow if she stopped she could control the plan God had for her. She would have a twinkle in her eye sometimes when she thought about really giving her life to God to do with it what He willed. She had peace in the face of death.

I realized last week that God is always in charge. He can give us a peace no matter what the circumstance. I actually felt that peace as I awaited the next steps of my tests. I did not panic and stress like I usually do. I realized that the doctor could have told me good news or bad and I just gave it all to God and surrendered to His plan knowing that He was in control. It was freeing, scary and beautiful all at the same time. It was a gift and a grace that only He can give. It was nothing I did on my own. I just remembered my mom and it gave me strength.

I ended up with a fibroid cyst and no problems. It was a blessing, a relief and a reminder that life is short. So many others have laid on that table and heard the C word. God is in charge of it all and we each walk our special journey that only He knows. His only goal is for us to get to heaven and He will use whatever it takes...even a little cancer scare as a reminder that He is my strength. I praise Him for life, for each day and for the gift and memory of my mom who showed me that a cancer diagnosis is not the end of the world. Lord I give you my life!

Offer It Up

How many times did mom tell her 9 kids to "offer it up" when life seemed hard growing up. When we were hungry, tired, impatient, having a bad day, got hurt.....Mom would always tell us to "offer it up". I can hear her voice ringing in my ears from childhood. Of course as a kid I never really fully got the concept. I just figured it meant to just bear with the pain and quit complaining. I did not fully understand the beautiful Catholic theology of those words. I did not realize that I could truly unite my sufferings to those on the cross with Christ and God could provide me graces in my suffering. I am not sure I truly understood what those words meant until Mom got cancer. There was a will and determination that I saw in her that was stronger and more directed. It was obvious she had a mission and a purpose especially in her sickness. She accepted this cross with a strength that blew my mind and as she suffered the nausea and sickness especially from the chemo - she did it with a grace and a dignity and an "aloneness". She did not want to burden any of us.

At one point in her chemo treatment she was so sick and nauseated from the chemo and spent so many days and weeks nauseated in bed. We kept trying to help her and we all got to a point where we could not stand to see her suffering in bed. She would ask us to leave her door open because I think the sound of our voices and the "normal" life happenings outside her door brought her joy. Her kids were her strength and when we came it lifted her to deal with her cross. When I looked in her room and watched her lying in bed there was a peace and a purpose. I realized she was "offering it up". There were days I would look in her room and could almost feel the graces knowing in her heart that she was offering all her suffering for her husband and kids. She knew all too well the power of God's grace and would not lose any of it. She knew that maybe this suffering was the most important gift of herself that she could give to God and for her family. I felt strength just to be near her. I was excited what God would do with such willingness to offer her pain for us. I was humbled to be her child.

Mom's pain level for the most part was very well controlled with the awesome help of Hospice. It was amazing how sharp she was and for the most part how comfortable she was. Her last night on earth was her huge cross and she had extreme pain starting at 3AM May 26th. Three of the kids were there to help along with Dad. We had to wait 1 1/2 hours for Hospice to come and the medicine was not working. We got to a point where there was nothing else we could do for her but pray, love, talk her thru the pain. It felt like we were helping someone give birth and she was reaching for the heavens in the process. At one point when I was totally helpless and could do no more for her I said "Mom - this suffering has to be worth alot - just know that you are offering this up right now for Dad, Chris, Peter, Susan, Billy, Patrick, Jeanette, Debbie, Mary Beth, Anna and all our families and it is valuable." Just speaking those words made it somewhat bearable at least for me...there had to be a purpose. I look at that night as such a gift to share in my mom's cross.

When suffering comes my way, I try harder now to "offer it up" like Mom did. I try harder to give it purpose and meaning. Her mission is complete and she did it well. I pray that all those graces she sent our way are put to good use and our family joins her one day in heaven after we have each spent our time on earth "offering it up."

Mom's Gift to Dad

Mom said that she felt an overwhelming sense of love for her children when she looked at her large tumor in her ovaries. She said it with excitement in her voice, the kind of excitement like something really amazing is going to happen. I will never forget the conversation. It followed by another sharing of the words she read every morning in her prayer book...."Lord Jesus once more I offer you my life so you can teach me to do your will." She told me she felt so drawn to those words the months before her diagnosis. Again I heard the thrill in her voice. I wanted to tell her to stop, to run away from this, to avoid it all with the hope that it would all go away. She was Mom - she could stop this couldn't she? But deep down I understood what she sensed. God was calling her to the most important journey of her life - her final walk and final life lesson. She was going to teach us all how to die.

God inspired a love of her cancerous tumor as a sign that He was greater than cancer and greater than death. He would be by her side and not leave her. He was the friend that she walked with her whole life and He would not abandon her now. She lived a life of faith and trust and it would carry her through the dark valley of death.

Mom always talked about wanting at least 10 kids. She got to 9 in her early 40s. We were her joy and we all knew it. I sometimes wonder if that big tumor represented the 10th child of her birthing to heaven. Her womb that carried so many children, so much sacrifice, 81 months of pregnancy and 9 births now became the home of cancer and the source of it was her pancreas. It was a terrible diagnosis but you would have never known it if you saw mom. She lived for 9 months sharing one more birthday with each of her 9 children who were born in 9 consecutive months starting with August thru April. The Lord brought her home two weeks after Mother's Day on May 26th. It was all gift.

Today we celebrate Father's Day with Dad and will go back to their house. Mom will be present in spirit and will smile down upon us as we share special time with Dad. She will be so proud of her children and her husband who has carried on her legacy of love. Her everlasting love never dies. We will celebrate Father's Day with joy and cling to dad in a way that we never could when mom was here. He is now leading the way. Mom's presence will be felt today thru her children as a special gift to Dad. It is beautiful and good and part of our journey. Mom was first - it all makes sense.....and I pray that we all follow her lead to our heavenly home. That is all she ever wanted.

Mom's One Year Anniversary

Tomorrow, May 26, 2009 is the one year anniversary of my mom's new life with Christ. It went by so fast and we all made it. It feels like an accomplishment - one that I thought I could never face when I heard her cancer diagnosis. Amazing how we face our biggest fears on this earth and that is when you grow the most.

I have often thought about time since mom passed and what it means. How God is above it and beyond it yet we live it as each second ticks by. It is all gift. Mom's love is as real today as it was before she died and I think is even stronger. Time did not stop but enveloped the love of another soul who gave her life to Christ and for her family and left her presence. Below I share my thoughts of her love a year out:



Love's Forever Presence


I see your love still
I feel it all around
It is not lost or dead
It is strong, big, wide and full
It is brighter.

The limits are gone, the boundaries cut
It reaches beyond space and time
and is there for each one of us to touch - always.
It is the phone call from Dad, the laugh of a brother or sister,
the birth of twin grandchildren that you adore from heaven,
and the conviction in our hearts to follow your lead.

The warmth of the sun speaks of your presence
the noise of the water sends your soothing calm.
The words of a song tell me to rejoice you are Home with God
and the yellow finch bird is a gift
and constant reminder of your love.

Your love did not die Mom.
It is forever, eternal and complete.
I see it in each person you touched on this earth.
You left your mark
and death did not conquer.

You are Love's Forever Presence.

Adoption Love - Thanks Birthmothers!

I am a mom of three beautiful girls...my children through adoption. My womb did not carry these souls but my heart surrounded them with love the minute I heard I would be their mom. God chose me for them and them for me. It is all quite amazing. I never thought I could love with this love. It is bigger and has no bounds. It is beyond the physical confines of a womb and the control of giving birth to your own biological child. To be a mom I had to trust that God had a plan for me and surrender my control. That was the hardest - no control - especially for someone filled with pride and known for her stubbornness. In that surrender - I was gifted freely with no greater love. Holding babies in my arms that were given to me by a stranger that now will forever be linked to my soul is such a blessing. So many others choose abortion and take the selfish road. It is easy and solves "the problem" or as Obama calls it the "punishment" quickly...but it stays as a thorn in your life forever. As the March for Life draws near on January 22, 2009 - I will remember the eternal love that touched my family with each birth and adoption. I will remember especially remember the courage of the birthparents to give life in a world that provides the"easy way out". My children can make a difference in the world and get a chance to live because another soul was not selfish. We are intertwined forever in eternal love. God is pleased....this is His plan - life for all that are conceived. We will march on Thursday to celebrate life and adoption and pray that more souls will be open to experience eternal love through the sacrifice and gift of adoption.

My Mom's Mission

I wrote this poem a few months after Mom's diagnosis with pancreatic cancer which really is a death sentence. There is joy and sorrow in that diagnosis. Of all the cancers - this one is pretty definite about what it will do and it will do it quickly. Each day and each month of this cancer is truly a gift and we did not take anything for granted. We were shocked how much time we got with mom - 9 months after diagnosis. It was all gift and Mom completed her mission.

My Mom's Mission
by Jeanette B. Engel
November 18, 2007


Mom you are so sick yet courageous and strong.
What is it that keeps you faith filled for so long?
What is that sparkle I see in your eyes?
How can you smile when our hearts just cry?

You taught us of Jesus of His love so true.
You taught us our prayers and modeled it too.
You taught us to live with forgiveness and love.
And now you teach us to die, and to live for above.

Maybe we all now see Jesus in you.
He was there all along but there's something so new.
In your acceptance of suffering you have an audience now.
We all hang on your words and your actions show how.

How do you do it with death at your door?
You're convinced you will live with Christ forevermore.
He is the joy that lightens your heart.
He is the reason we will never be apart.

For if you are taken from this world fairly soon.
We will go on because we know you'll make room.
You will intercede for us at the heavenly throne.
And one day the Bergmann family will all have a new home.

Toronto Street will just be a memory so sweet.
Of a Mom who gave all with love so complete.
We will all be united with Jesus one day.
Because that was your mission to show us the Way.

So as you get weaker, just know we are here.
To take care of you, our Mother so dear.
Let us be the 9 children you taught us to be,
Oh Mom, go to Jesus and you will be free!